Zimbesc, chiar daca…

Despartirea doare, singuratatea este apasatoare insa acestea ne sunt lectii de viata. Cine nu a trecut prin astfel de momente, cine nu stie ce inseamna durerea, durerea ce provine din dragoste, dragostea care ne-a parasit, nu a inceput inca sa traiasca, sau viata lor a fost o iluzie…
De ce doare dragostea? Pentru ca tot ceea ce depaseste pragul firescului doare: frigul aspru iti tortureaza pielea, caldura excesiva duce la pierderea cunostintei, iar dragostea provoaca o grava anemie sufleteasca. Orice sentiment ce se ridica deasupra sferei comune provoaca o pierdere subita a oricarui reflex de aparare. Si atunci doare. Fiindca nu stim sa ne aparam. Si nu ne pasa. Traim momentul, iar apoi traim de dragul momentului trecut, iar intr-un sfarsit, uitam momentul si nu mai stim bine de ce si pentru ce traim. Stim doar ca am iubit. Si doare.

Citeodata doare … doare al dracului de tare!!!

Oricit de mult ai crede, ca te pricepi la oameni, ca tie nu ti se poate intimpla … iata ca se poate… si doare, cind descoperi cit de mult te-ai inselat, cind descoperi ca acel om te-a tradat … doare …
De ce doare? Doare pentru ca .. pentru ca il iubeai, sau cel putin asa credeai, pentru ca sperai ca in sfirsit ai intalnit un om care sa merite …
Doare, ca te simti pustiit, ca tot ce ai crezut despre viata si despre oameni, despre valori … parca se naruie deodata ca un castel de nisip, peste care a navalit un val naprasnic si l-a facut terci …

Doare, ca poate era mai bine sa nu afli … doare ca ai ego-ul mare oare? Ca te-ai mai inselat inca o data atunci cind credeai ca acel om e altfel? Cind i-ai impartasit cele mai ascunse taine ale sufletului tau?

Incerc sa sfredelesc in mine acest: De ce? De ce nu imi da pace, de ce ma framint, de ce un singur om poate sa iti tulbure atit de mult viata?
Am momente cand uit … si-mi amorteste locul … apoi, cind sunt iar singura cu mine, durerea revine … as vrea sa urlu, sa ma cert, sa ii arunc in fata vorbe usturatoare … Dar la ce bun? Cu ce m-ar ajuta? Pentru ca tin la acel om, pentru ca imi pasa, pentru ca prietenia noastra credeam ca-i sincera si nealterata, pentru ca gandeam la fel, simteam la fel, pentru ca ne intelegeam din priviri … si totusi …
Si deodata, ceva din mine moare parca…
Nu, nu sunt trista … sunt doar indurerata si dezamagita si asta ma oftica.

De felul meu, sunt optimista. Doar azi si inca in vreo doua zile poate pot parea usor prapastioasa si pesimista.

Ce ciudati suntem noi, oamenii, uneori, cam masochisti … hmmm … si cind ma gindesc ca nu pricepeam de ce femeile alea, pe care le umileste si le bate barbatul se intorc la el de fiecare data… rolul de victima, uneori ne prinde.

La naiba, nu-mi place rolul asta… Si-atunci ce-i de facut?

Si-atunci aleg sa iert … Sa iert ce? Sa ma iert pe mine, ca poate am ales gresit … si sa iert acea persoana, care, poate si ea, a ales gresit … si sa zavorasc usa … sa pun pentru o perioada lacatul si sa imi ling ranile, lasind timpul sa cicatrizeze zonele afectate pentru a lasa loc altor oameni, altor experiente, altor miresme sa-mi intretaie calea si sa patrunda in viata mea…

Majoritatea oamenilor au fost raniti de cei dragi, au fost tradati si s-au inselat macar o data-n viata. Asta nu inseamna, ca nu trebuie sa mai iubim … Ii aud pe unii, care raniti fiind spun: “Nu am sa mai iubesc niciodata”, “Nu imi mai trebuie” sau “Toti barbatii sunt niste porci”, “Nimeni  nu merita” sau “Nici o femeie nu merita” si lista poate continua. Ei bine, ai incercat vreodata sa te lasi iubit si sa nu iubesti? Eu da. Si e un sentiment foarte placut, dar nu se compara cu a iubi. Eu cind iubesc o fac pentru mine. Ideal ar fi sa iubesti si sa fii iubit. Daca ar fi sa aleg intre a iubi si a fi iubita, as alege sa iubesc. E o mare chestie sa poti iubi. Cred ca neiubind, te pedepsesti pe tine, nu pe restul lumii.

Am sa iubesc chiar daca mi se va spune de o suta de mii de ori ca o sa mi se fringa aripile si ca sufletul imi va fi facut bucati si bucatele mii si chiar de nu am sa am antidotul minune, tot am sa iubesc … pentru ca viata nu merita traita fara iubire … am sa iubesc pentru ca nu pot altfel si pentru ca … altfel nu stiu sa traiesc…

Am venit pe lume zambind si o sa plec tot asa…. !!!

… Mai sunt atatea vise, care m-asteapta sa le descopar, sa le implinesc !!!

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123 thoughts on “Zimbesc, chiar daca…

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