Rănim, chiar dacă iubim…

Dacă m-ar întreba cineva de mă consider un copil bun la părinții mei probabil aș înghiți limba de frică. Cred că aceasta ar fi unica întrebare la care mi-ar fi întradevăr greu să găsesc un răspuns potrivit. Îmi este teamă să recunosc, dar am foarte puține cuvinte la acest capitol. Se spune că niciodată nu există „nu pot”, există doar „nu vreau”. Și totuși, aici chiar nu pot… Nu pot spune că sunt sau nu un copil bun la părinții mei. Nu pentru că nu-i am, ci pentru că nu am avut șansa să trăiesc aceste stări, să le dovedesc tot ce am mai bun în mine, să-i bucur cu fiecare zi din viața mea alături de ei și să devin omul pe care și l-au dorit de la bun început. Poate părea absurd, dar soarta (dacă pot spune așa) m-a lipsit de această șansă, deși simt zilnic cum inima mea bate în unison cu inimile lor. Poate părea exagerat spus, dar cred că pentru a recunoaște cu încredere faptul că ești un copil bun la părinții tăi, întîi de toate trebuie să fii, să crești prin ei și să te hrănești din toată dragostea și căldura lor părintească. Uneori însă, viața lovește mult mai dur decît credem că este posibil, iar limitele la care suntem impuși sunt mult mai greu de depășit chiar dacă par a fi suportabile.

Cînd cuibul unei familii se destramă, fiecare membru devine luptător în viață. Să fii luptător în viață înseamnă să devii munte și apă în orice împrejurări, înseamnă să fii dur în exterior, dar mai blînd decît o mielușă în interior. Cu toate astea, oricare ar fi drumul ales, inima oricum va avea un gol înăuntru. Gol, pentru că viața nu înseamnă luptă, gol pentru că viața înseamnă bucurie și plăcerea de a o trăi cu încredere încă din primele ei clipe, gol pentru că ți-ai dori să fie cu totul altfel sau măcar puțin din ceea ce înseamnă firesc pentru ceilalți, gol pentru că întotdeauna ceva va fi incomplet. Viața nu înseamnă luptă. Lupta înseamnă război, cruzime, principii și egoism. Viața însă nu ne cheamă la război, viața pur și simplu ne îndeamnă să o trăim și să o iubim din plin cu toate formele ei.

În momentele de disperare, tot ce rămîne omului în cea mai curată și divină formă este credința. Credința că totuși există minuni și desigur soare după furtuni. Asta defapt ne hrănește pe toți în clipele de regret. Păcat și totuși de neînțeles cum acum poți avea totul, iar după doar cîteva clipe totul se poate risipi. O știm probabil cu toții cum este pierdem pe cineva drag, o ființă apropiată, un prieten de suflet, un simplu om pe care poate l-am cunoscut doar pe ecran sau în filele unei cărți, un eveniment care a eșuat, o activitate care a contat pentru noi, un loc prețios care a devenit pulbere sau orice altceva ce devine părticică din inimile noastre. Cînd un drum se desparte nu înseamnă că anume acolo sfîrșește și începutul lui. Poate deveni greu de parcurs, poate avea mai mulți bolovani, mai multe căderi, dar nicidecum un sfîrșit, pentru că sfîrșitul este mult mai departe decît credem noi.

Am ales să scriu aceste rînduri nu pentru că vreau să mă plîng de milă sau să aștept compătimiri, ci pentru a pune un mic accept pe ceea ce este mai valoros în viața omului. Rutina zilnică, goana după muncă și un viitor mai bun, oamenii și locurile noi pe care le descoperim, așa numitele intrigi care ne tot ademenesc să le pipăim pentru că dorim să încercăm din toate în viață, ne impun uneori și cu regret să uităm de ființele cele mai scumpe care ne-au plămădit cu suflet din sufletele lor. Vreme de cînd zburăm din casa părintească pentru că suntem nevoiți să ne croim propria cale, lăsăm în urmă doi oameni triști care din acel moment nu-și vor mai găsi clipe de liniște pentru grija și rugile pentru noi. Uneori rănim prin cuvinte, fapte, priviri, iar cel mai dureros prin lipsă de timp. Nu mai găsim timp nici măcar pentru o zi să dăm o fugă pînă acasă pentru o simplă îmbrățișare și cuvinte pline de dor. Ne despart poate doar o sută sau mii de kilometri, poate un ocean sau poate doar cîțiva pași diferență, dar refuzăm să o facem pentru că avem atîtea pe capul nostru și astăzi o lăsăm pe mîine cum am mai spus-o și ieri. Trist și dureros, dar de cele mai multe ori din păcate adevărat.

Drumul spre casa părintească este pur și simplu zburător și cu siguranță cel mai frumos drum. L-am cunoscut doar de cîteva ori, dar îmi amintesc aceste senzații atît de vii pînă în ziua de azi. În pofida la tot ceea ce ni se poate întîmpla, în suflet suntem întotdeauna așa cum ne-am născut, iar ceea ce simțim cu adevărat nu o putem nega în fața noastră și nici în fața celor pe care îi iubim. Asta este hrana spirituală care ne umple de viață ori de cît ori simțim durere pe propria piele.

Dacă ești departe de cele scrise mai sus, dacă te regăsești în doar cîteva momente sau dacă poate recunoști în întregime fiecare cuvînt, oprește-te pentru doar cîteva clipe din tot ceea ce faci și încearcă să găsești un răspuns în sufletul tău. Sunt sigură că vei dori să auzi în cele din urmă o voce care ți-ar fi atît de necesară ulterior.

Să fim mai buni, mai recunoscători și mai iubitori cu cei care ne-au dat viață. Chiar dacă uneori este greu sau pare a fi imposibil, chiar dacă suntem cei mai iubitori copii sau poate am rănit prea mult, chiar dacă este problemă în timp și spațiu, chiar dacă doare și nu putem ierta, să lăsăm totuși tot ce a fost ieri în trecut, iar ceea ce suntem astăzi să trăim cu toată ființa. Pentru că niciodată nu știm ce ne așteaptă și cînd vom reuși să facem ceea ce dorim acum. Pentru că mîine ar putea fi mult mai tîrziu, iar ieri nu vom mai putea găsi nicăieri.

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