Prea obositi sa fim altfel II

In memoria Liliei.

Te-ai intrebat unde e sensul si te-ai grabit sa numeri cite iti lipsesc. Ai calculat repede ca pentru a le avea pe toate iti trebuiesc 7 vieti…, 7 sau poate 8 si toate traite la fel de alert. Realizarea imposibilitatii ti-a schitat pe fata un zimbet trist, consolat – nu vei fi niciodata fericit, pentru ca fericirea vine din lucruri, relatii, reusite, iar lucrurile sunt mereu insuficiente, relatiile mereu cu un sfirsit, reusitele mereu prea mici pentru cit iti doresti.

Ti-ai imaginat citeva lumi in care ai fi putut fi daca…, dar te-ai descoperit sac de box, catir, peste pe uscat in propria-ti lume. Te-ai imbracat in negru, pentru ca a fi vitima e mai usor si, te-ai complacut in rolul mingii mereu alergata, indiferenta daca tinteste vreo poarta.

Ti-ai zis ca nu totul depinde de tine, dar de ani buni tii desteptatorul la aceeas ora. Te-ai avintat somnoros innainte de citeva ori, dar ti-a oprit capul un perete pe care ti-a fost lene sa il sari.

Ai dat din miina a lehamite la “timpul si momentul potrivit” si ti-ai zis pe jumatate increzator “or sa mai fie”… Te-ai urit pentru ca nu ai putut si ai crezut ca e normal sa nu vrei.

Ai adunat in jurul tau pe cei care te imbratiseaza doar cind le-ai facut o favoare, si care isi amintesc de tine doar cind mai au nevoie de una. Le-ai permis tuturor sa vina cit de aproape vor si i-ai deposedat de loc pe cei citiva care te-au iubit orbeste si de la distanta.

Ai stiut mereu ca “e si miine o zi” si ai lasat totul sa se intimple miine.

Azi te-ai aruncat mai comod in fotoliu, ai luat telecomanda si ti-ai ales un canal care sa fie destul de zgomotos ca sa-ti alunge gindurile. Azi ti-ai dat seama ca ziua asta se repeta atit de des si de fiecare data obositor de altfel cum iti doresti. Azi ai mai inteles o data ca nu esti si nu poti fi fericit si…, ai selectat canalul cu umor…

                     *   *  *

Lilia s-a trezit dupa o noapte, practic nedormita, in lacrimi de fericire – Dumnezeu i-a mai daruit o zi. A multumit Domnului, Ingerilor, icoanelor vechi pe care le priveste de mai bine de 20 de ani si si-a oprit respiratia pentru a auzi pasii mamei… Ar fi alergat sa ii deschida usa, sa ii duca in pat micul dejun, sa o imbratiseze strins si sa ii spuna ca azi s-a intimplat o minune, “m-am ridicat si am mers, am dansat, am sarit, m-am rotit pina am cazut in genunchi de fericire si am plins intr-o ruga de preamarire”… Ar fi alergat in curte sa le multumeasca vecinilor care au intrat sa o vada in toti acesti ani, ar fi alergat pe cimpuri mai repede si ma usor decit si-a imaginat aproape toata viata ei. Ar fi facut atitea lucruri firesti pentru tine, lucruri pe care nu le observi si pe care ea doar le poate imagina…

Desteptatorul de pe geam nu e pus nicioadata sa o trezeasca. Nu se grabeste nicaieri, pentru ca nu are incotro pleca. Nu o asteapta nimeni, pentru ca ea ii asteapta pe toti. Nu are nevoie de 7 vieti pentru a le avea pe toate – are nevoie doar de a ei, asa cum e, cu fericirea ei neinteleasa de tine. Tu ai tiri de git prin instante pe cei care te-au calcat pe un picior…, ea i-a iertat si pe cei care au facut-o pentru toata viata invalida. Stie ca miine poate sa nu fie, de asta spune azi ca iubeste, zimbeaste si ii incurajeaza pe cei pe care reuseste sa ii vada.

Si, cind obosit si plictisit de nonsensul din fiecare zi te arunci cit mai comod in fotoliu, vocea ei se aude in receptor:
– Sun sa te felicit, astazi a fost o zi minunata… Ea nu ii uita nici pe cei care nu-si mai amintesc de ea.

PS. Scriam acest text ceva timp in urma, cind Lilia mai traia… Am vazut-o ultima data acum 3 ani…, mai trista si mai fara de puteri ca niciodata. Ne-a lasat sa o imbratisam si a incercat, fara succes, sa isi ascunda lacrimile… Nu erau lacrimi de fericire ca ma revede, plingea pentru ca imi vedea fericirea de a tine in brate un copil, fericire pe care si-ar fi dorit-o a ei.

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17 thoughts on “Prea obositi sa fim altfel II

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