Frica

Se zice că femeile au înnăscut sentimentul de a fi mamă și îl manifestă încă din copilărie, când fiecare păpușă, pisică sau pui, devine copilul lor, pe care îl piaptănă sau strânge de gât la nevoie.
Nu mă țin minte să îi fi acordat atenție deosebită unicii păpuși pe care o aveam sau, să o pun la ungher pentru că a fost neascultătoare. Nu mă țin minte imaginându-mi cum o să arate viitorii mei copii, câți o sa fie la număr, cum o să-i numesc sau la ce universități își vor face studiile. Țin minte doar frica imensă din clipa când am aflat că sunt însărcinată. Nu frică de toxicoză, kilograme plus sau nașterea, despre care am auzit doar povești triste, mă înspăimânta. Frică de a-mi asuma o responsabilitate pentru totdeauna, o responsabilitate de care nu eram pregătită.
Desigur că au curs de peste tot felicitările, urările de bine, încurajările și convingerile că acesta e un dar Dumnezeiesc, însă nimic nu m-a putut convinge că a avea un copil e simplu, frumos și nu îți cere decât ceva timp din timpul tău.

Am început să trăiesc pentru doi cu temeri cât pentru zece. Chiar dacă ecografiile confirmau creșterea normală a fătului, eu mă temeam că aceasta i-ar putea dăuna. Aveam frică să mănânc – pentru că știam cât de artificial e crescut totul, să ies în stradă – pentru că era încărcată de mașini permanent, să ascult muzică – pentru că eu vroiam Rammstein, dar mi-ar fi placut ca el să ceară Mozart. Aveam frică să nu îi transmit emoții negative și cel mai mult, mă înspaimânta gândul că ar putea fi prea slab în ziua în care ne vom cunoaște. Mă credeam responsabilă de tot răul ce i se putea întâmpla și am respirat din plin doar când mi s-a spus că am dat naștre unui copil perfect sănătos. Sentimentul de frică însă nu m-a părăsit. Un boț de om atât de firav cerea îngrijire de giuvaier. Oricâte filmulețe de instruire am privit pe Youtube, oricâte articole despre cum e mai corect să ai grijă de un bebeluș am citit, am rămas neștiutoare, incompetentă și fricoasă. Știam totul și nu puteam nimic. Înlocuiam un scutec tremurând ca un alcoolic, evitam să îl iau în brațe ca să nu îl strivesc, îl hrăneam îngrozită că i-aș putea da prea mult sau insuficient lapte. Mi s-a oprit inima de nenumărate ori pâna îi simțeam respirația pe degetul de subt nasucul lui. Am plâns pentru colici, pentru fiecare lacrimă, pentru fiecare dinte care vroia să iasă, pentru fiecare febră, vomă, durere pe care nu și-o putea explica, vaccin sau intervenție medicală. Am plâns pentru incapacitatea mea de a-i lua durerea și pentru egoismul de a fi intermediat venirea lui într-o lume în care des lipsesc culorile.

Cu timpul m-am robotizat ajungând la performanța de a face mai multe lucruri în același timp, dar noaptea, când corpul era prea obosit ca să adoarmă, realizam că îmi e în continuare frică… Frică pentru mine, că mă transform, că nu mai simt fluturi în stomac și mă enervează țârîitul greierilor, că am schimbat cu ușurință toate visele de copil naiv pe un mestecat continuu într-o cratiță cu mâncare. M-am întrebat de mii de ori cine mă privește din oglindă și cum de mă suportă tatăl copilului așa nepieptănată, grasă, somnoroasă și plină de nervi… Cum de îmi rabdă prietenii confesiunile despre câte ore nu am dormit și cum ma înnebunesc hainele în care nu încap. Cum de înlocuisem cititul cărților cu cel al conținutului de pe borcănașele cu mâncare, medicamente și instrucțiuni de spălare corectă a hăinuțelor. Cum de schimbasem cu ușurință libertatea de a mă pierde în mulțime pe kilometrii făcuți în câțiva metri pătrați.
Trăiam un sentiment ciudat de fericire că sunt mamă amestecat cu nefericire că mă rătăcisem de mine…

Am întâlnit medici care m-au lăudat pentru modul în care port sarcinile, pentru comportamentul din timpul nașterilor, pentru dezvoltarea frumoasă a bebelușilor. Am avut alături (chiar dacă virtual) oameni care mi-au încurajat și înnobilat efortul. Am avut norocul să nu îmi spună nimeni cum să îmi cresc copii și să mă autocorectez de mii de ori. Dar cel mai mare noroc a fost să trec prin toate alături de el, cel care m-a numit frumoasă chiar dacă cântaream dublu, chiar dacă îmi descărcam frustrările în capul lui, chiar dacă nu îmi ascundeam petele sarcinilor subt produsele cosmetice, chiar dacă eram oricum, doar frumoasă nu…

O femeie e capabilă să răstoarne un munte dacă are pentru cine. Poate ani la rând să nu doarmă o noaptea întreagă. Poate prin somn să audă cum se dezvelește un copil în altă odaie. Nu o sperie tonele de scutece, hainele murdare, casa în dezordine permanentă, isteriile copiilor, lipsa timpului doar pentru ea. Nimic nu o sperie atâta timp cât are alături pe cineva căruia îi e la fel (sau poate chiar mai mult) de frică, care are rabdare să o asculte, care îi amintește cât de bine îi reușește ceea ce face, care e parte de echipă, nu un arbitru pe margine de teren…

Azi trei perechi de brațe îmi cuprind gâtul cu gingașie și 3 voci diferite îmi spun că mă iubesc. Azi negociez cu ei zâmbind și nu încetez să mă mir de succesele, vicleniile și fanteziile lor. Azi dorm nopți întregi, citesc cărți, mă pierd cu ei în mulțime și îmi e în continuare frică… Frică, că ar putea înceta să cânte “I believe I can fly”, că în lumea lor ar putea exista lacrimi, că aș putea să îi modific prin greșelile de educație, că ar putea primi mai puțin decât merită…

Azi simt din dialogurile cu părinții mei, că lor le e, în continuare, frică…

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