Dumnezeu e acolo unde vrei să Îl vezi

Vorbesc uneori cu rudele în vârstă rămase în Moldova. După întrebarea “Ce mai faceți?“, urmează neapărat ” Aveți biserica noastră acolo? Vă duceți? Vă împărtășiți?”. “Avem, desigur că avem. La cea mai apropiată, slujba se oficiază în rusă și engleză, dar e în regulă, dacă vrei tare, înțelegi“. Nu pot să îi las să își facă griji pentru sufletele noastre și nici să le dau ocazia să îmi judece părinții că m-au crescut în necredință. Nu le pot spune adevărul că îmi e extrem de greu să merg în bisericile ortodoxe să mă rog. Greutatea vine încă din copilărie când, în duminicile cu fundițe, rochiță bine călcată, ochi somnoroși și gândurile aiurea, mă mișcam cu pași mărunței și netragere de inimă  spre Biserică. Nu cred să mă fi rugat pe atunci și nici să pătrund importanța aflării mele în lăcașul mereu rece. Înțelegeam doar că trebuie să stau cuminte cu trei degete strânse în așteptarea părții cu “Doamne miluiește“. Mergeam acolo ca la un spectacol, unde personajul principal era ca “rupt din poveste” în hainele lui cu sclipici. Mulțimea se arunca în genunchi venerându-i apariția, iar eu mă minunam de fiecare dată cum de reușește să încapă prin ușițele aurii. Personajul recita și tot recita o poezie interminabilă din care deslușeam doar “luieeeeeeeeșteeeeee“.
Nu prea pricepeam de ce trebuie să merg anume acolo, dacă Dumnezeu era oriunde (după părerea părinților) și m-ar fi auzit și de subt plapumă sau cu o oră, două mai târziu.
Am primit explicația că Biserica este o Casă Sfânta, o Casă a Lui, iar Lui îi place să primească oaspeți. Am fost, deci, oaspete permanent un timp. Mi-am zis într-un târziu că o fi vina preotului cam batrân, care nu prea poate pronunța cuvintele în întregime și, am învațat “Tatăl Nostru” , ca măcar atât să înțeleg dintr-o slujbă, care presupunea să mă învețe să fiu mai bună, mai tolerantă, mai aproape de Dumnezeu.

Cu timpul mi-am dat seama că, mergeam acolo cu o oarecare doză de vină și mă întorceam cu un pomelnic plin de păcățele noi. Că, ghionturile femeilor în vârstă și “țsssssst“-ul lor mă scoteau din sărite. Că, în loc să îmi adun gândurile în fața unei icoane, simțeam privirile a jumatate din cei adunați interesate de cum și de cîte ori o să fac semnul crucii, cum o să sărut icoana, dacă-s rujată, dacă nu mă va încurca manichiura, dacă o să-mi stea decent fusta când o să mă închin, dacă o să trec la urmatoarea icoană după “regulă” și nu după cum găsesc de cuviință.  Auzeam în spatele meu cum își dau cu părerea băbuțele apropo de a cui o fi fiind un copil crescut între timp, iar dacă dezlegau enigma, își împărțeau și toate informațiile știute, legate de acel copil. “Țsssst” nu le puteai spune, că arătai lipsă de educație, de asta tolerai și te uitai din minut în minut la ceas. Îmi lăsam greutatea corpului ba pe un picior, ba pe celălalt și râvneam cele 4, 5 scaune de subt fundurile mari, care nu se mai ridicau să permită locul altora. Nu îmi amintesc un moment în care să fi rămas doar eu cu Dumnezeu acolo, însă nu pot uita furia care mă stăpânea încă mult timp după ce părăseam ograda Bisericii.

Nu știu dacă mulți adolescenți au trecut prin perioada căutarii sensului existenței, dar eu avusesem câțiva ani buni în care, eram convinsă că răspunsurile o sa vină atunci când o sa găsesc religia corectă. Și în loc să îmi pierd timpul prin discoteci, cafenele sau librării, eu îl pierdeam pe la slujbe ale Martorilor lui Iahova, Mormoni, Baptiști, Evangheliști și mulți alții, care mi-au creat mai multe întrebări decât mi-au răspuns.

Eheee, tu nu ai fost la o mănăstire adevărată, acolo unde călugării îs curați ca lacrima și rugăciunile lor ajung drept la Dumnezeu“. Am fost… Și am găsit aceeași înghesuială, același pupat de icoane după regulă și aceleași babe, care te privesc cu dezgust, pentru că îți lucesc unghiile sau pentru că ești îmbrăcată altfel decât dânsele.

Eheee, să ajungi la locul unde s-a născut Isus, să vezi cum îl simți pe Dumnezeu pe Pamânt“. Am fost… Și am simțit doar gust amar pentru un loc presupus sfânt, transformat în obiect turistic, în jurul căruia se fac bani pe obiecte “made in China”, vându-te la preț negociabil. Loc unde se fac selfie și se strigă ca în Piața Centrală “mai repede, mai repede, rândul e mare”.

Ei, tu nu înțelegi nimic din religia noastră“. Probabil.  Probabil dacă preotul satului își facea timp să predea puțină religie copiilor doritori, să îi lumineze cu însemnatatea pildelor biblice sau măcar să le formeze o deprindere de a citi câte puțin din Biblie, aș fi înțeles mai multe. Probabil dacă cele câteva ore de slujbă erau petrecute pe scaune, fără dureri de spate și picioare, aș fi privit mai rar spre ceas și mai des spre Altar. Probabil dacă nu s-ar fi citit permanent și neînțeles din cărți, aș fi cunoscut mai multe. Probabil dacă nu aș fi văzut prețul încleiat pe obiectele spre vânzare sau farfurioara, care trecea pe lângă doritorii de a jertvi însoțită de doi ochi, care știu a privi cu dezgust dacă nu lași nimic în ea, poate eram mai convinsă că trebuie să îmi aprofundez cunoașterea.

Nu știu pe cât de păcătoasă mă crede Dumnezeu, dar am întilnit preoți, care după spovedanie m-au trimis la “duhovnicul meu” să mă împărtașească, pentru că s-au văzut prea curați să își piardă timpul cu mine.  Nu am spus niciunuia că nu am un dohovnic și nici că nu știam că era necesar să am unul. Credeam și eu, ca prostul, că preotul este un intermediar, care trebuie să asculte, să spună “Doamne iart-o și dă-i puteri să nu mai greșească“, nicidecum să mă judece sau să trezească sentimentul că sunt de o mie de ori mai păcătoasă decât cred.

Nu știu dacă mi-am botezat copiii în religia corectă, la fel cum poate nu au fost siguri părinții și bunicii mei, dar evit să le deschid gura cu forța la împărtășanie sau să accept că e în regulă să folosească aceeași lingură și pahar cu restul oamenilor din Biserică. Le spun doar că există un Dumnezeu, pe care îi las să Îl cunoască când o să fie pregătiți și dacă o să își dorească.

Știu că adaug păcat mulțimii pe care le am deja, dar cred că rolul Bisericii “noastre” s-a cam denaturat, iar neprofesionalismul multor preoți ortodocși complică și mai mult lucrurile. O să spuneți că toate se explică și că preoții sunt mai întâi de toate oameni, dar atâta timp cât imunitatea lor bisericească vine în contradictoriu cu regulile pe care le propagă, nu mă pot debarasa de greutatea cu care merg la Biserică.

În esență, Dumnezeu e acolo unde vrei să Îl vezi.

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